Steps on the Edge

Above all, two things were sacred to the reverend: prayer and his whittling. He saw beauty in the patience it took to craft something beautiful. To him, prayer was much the same. He meditated deeply on the words he read in the Bible, using them as the knife to carve the wood of his soul into something worthy of the Lord.

I keep thinking of myself that way. Detached from it all. I try to focus on peace, but it is hard.

It is so hard.

Lately, people who were coming after sermons or to confession kept slipping within the same circles of sin. It was as if confessing was enough for them because there they were, always coming back to commit the same exact sins. They wanted forgiveness, not change.

As a shepherd, I thought beneath the wool of my flock. I pondered on their flesh. Their weak, sinful flesh. They ran through the motions and they put on a good show, but they decided to remain in the same cycle.

And so did I.

In my leniency. In my forgiveness. In my empathy. But lately I felt as if I was the one putting the pathetic in empathetic. Such weak faith we’ve cultivated in these times.

I found myself easily falling into waves of anger and flirting with an ocean of wrath. All because of them. It was taking everything in me to remain in control. Now I had a meeting with Christopher. For a welder, he was Ok. Nothing too bad. But it was always the booze and how he didn’t want to hurt his wife but still managed to do so.

A knock on the door breaks me from my meditation and I call out as a reflex. “Come in.”

The door clicks open and there is Christopher, holding his trucker hat like a security blanket. Even at ten feet I could smell the beer on his breath. Although his knuckles were white from clutching his cap, I saw the heavy bruising. It had been Miller Time in the Smith household all right.

“Hello, Father Elliot," he chanced, hesitating to enter my quarters. "Can I come in?”

I nod and wave him in. Although he used to take a while to tell me what he had done, this time he fell on his knees crying. It had to be one hell of a beating he had given Charlene.

“Why do I keep hurting her, father?” he asks between pathetic snot riddled sobs. “I don’t want to do it, but I end up doing it.”

I am as tired as I am repulsed. This is the type of faith we enjoy nowadays. And I aid the system by consoling sinners and heathen in the hopes of conversion. I feel the stir of wrath in my gut and I kneel in front of him. I take him in my arms and the maggot rains his regret on me for however fleeting it is.

“My son, sometimes we are faced with hard decisions and we walk the edge, hoping we don’t fall. But for however much these actions may hurt us and the ones we care for, we must make this decision and act righteously. Do you understand?”

I feel the head nodding against my shoulder, relief already displacing regret.

“You do know I love you, don’t you, son?”

“Yes, father.”

“Good. That helps me to make the right decision always.”

He continues to sob and I know he’s reaching out for salvation even if he has no idea what it looks like. For my part, I also want to reach out for salvation. Except I know exactly what it looks like.

I breathe deep as my eyes look back at me. A deep calm takes over and I feel control at the knowledge that salvation awaits within me, and the reflection of my truest self. A whittling knife may have a purpose, but its edge is not limited. Righteousness often lies in going beyond one's supposed purpose and finding a mission. 

The whittling knife stares at me and I smile in return.

Looking within the Human Cycle: Who is Captain Jane Rivers?

As I continue to work on the second book in the Human Cycle, a lot of people have asked me where the inspiration comes for some characters. With a long list to choose from, it’s easy to decide which one is the first I’d like to talk about, Jane Rivers, Captain of the Black Calico.

Although many things influenced who the character is, her character, what makes Rivers who she is in the book and in the story has come completely from my wife. Small in stature, huge in heart, my wife figures largely in the Human Cycle and its entire story arc.

During 2014, I’ve given my wife a handful by coming down with a lovely case of pneumonia and having a health scare… scratch that, a second health scare. A couple of years back I was at a beach and threw my back out. Now try to imagine the joy my wife experienced when she found out she had to hitch a ride almost 2 hours to where I was just to pick me up. As you can see, I’m a bundle of joy when it comes to injuries and illnesses because although I’m healthy 98% of the time, that remaining 2% is a doozy.

To put it lightly, the care she’s always given me is medal worthy... and that’s just how she takes care of me health-wise. As a wife she spoils me with good food and the best company. As a woman, she’s determined, brilliant, no-nonsense, funny, firm, and can intimidate people just by how good she is at what she does.

Oh and did I mention she’s beautiful? Yeah, she’s got big brown eyes, a wonderful smile, long brown hair I happily scratch so she can go to sleep and features quite particular to her which make her that much more special. In short, I’m a lucky guy to be able to have direct inspiration for a character who represents what I admire most in women: character, brains, tenacity, passion, inner beauty, perseverance, and guts (I’d say balls, except that such a statement is a misogynistic expression of valor, and although it applies, I’d rather avoid it for this example). Oh and she has a hell of a sense of humor, which is key to any enduring relationship.

Mind you, it wasn’t a conscious decision to write her into the story… it just happened; like our first kiss which just happened because we both went for a kiss on the cheek and popped kiss (still makes me smile remembering that lovely accident); like that lunch where she decided to humor me in college and sit with me, thus changing our lives. That’s because some of the best things in life just happen. No planning, no premeditation… just a chance occurrence.

As for why the character behaves the way in which she does, that’s all on my wife, she can be fierce, she can be maternal, she can be sweet and she can inspire me to bounce on my toes all day. She’s my best friend and my partner in crime and I’m lucky enough to be able to use her awesomeness to create a female character that embodies strength and beauty, without the need to sacrifice one or the other. To be honest, I just hope the character does justice to the source because she’s a tough act to follow.

5 and ½ feet tall and the size of a sun in the galaxy that is my life. Such is her and now you know.

The Human Cycle

When you look up the term Human Cycle on the Internet, one search result you get will refer you to the Human Action Cycle, which is the psychological theory related to interactions between humans and computers. 

As I’ve grown in my relationship with my first series of books, I found it rather odd that a psychological term that does not have computer in its title is focused on computers and how we humans interact with them. Truth be told, I was even a little offended and as a result decided to offer a more human centered definition as I weave my tale of vampires, therians (don’t call them werewolves, I can’t stress this enough), angels and photogeni.

Only Human is the first step in the Human Cycle and this series is my exploration through fiction of the human factor or what we call humanity. Think of this term as the trinity of Body-Mind-Soul. This first installment, focuses on the body and different physical aspects that tie all of us together as a collective species.

The second book will explore more psychological aspects and the third will focus on spirituality. This is not to say that these topics will not be interwoven throughout the series, it’s just my way of saying that each book will be focused more on a certain type of aspect of what makes us, well us.

For these books, research has been done on psychology (strong emphasis on Jungean Psychology) and various spiritual texts will be analyzed because regardless of race, creed, ethnicity, language or age, there is endlessly more that binds us together than what separates us. So religions, history, psychological theories, styles and topics will all interweave because life and reality is far from linear, and on the plane we call life, there are many existing points and in theory each one can connect.

So sit back, enjoy and connect… for what is more beautifully human, than our ability to do precisely that?