Five for one or 1,827

What is a second?

 

What is a minute?

 

What is a day?

 

What are 1,827 days?

 

That’s the time that’s passed since we last had Mom in this plane of existence, give or take a minute or a lifetime. I think of her and the pain is not any lesser or farther. Although I may be more comfortable with it because I keep Her so present, I can’t say it’s easier. That’s the wrong word for what I feel. Instead, I lean into the feeling to better understand it.

 

It’s not a void or an emptiness because her love is incapable of leaving a void. And there’s pain with that love, of course. How could there not be? But I speak to Her every single day. I go on walks and find a moment to catch Her up on things. I journal every night and I write to my personal trinity: God, then Mom, then myself. It’s a practice that has helped me more than I can describe.

 

There’s a common quote that says something along the lines of, “It’s not goodbye, it’s see you later.” I believe in this quote because I think there is something out there after we pass on. Although it’s possible that there’s nothing, it’s just as possible that there is something. What’s true is that 5 years after She’s passed, I still feel Her. People write me from all over my life and all over the world to tell me they were thinking about Mom or they dreamt about Her. People normally preface this by saying, I don’t mean to bring this up but I thought/dreamt/talked to your Mom.

 

There is nothing to apologize and I’m thankful for anyone kind enough to reach out to say something like this. I appreciate people sharing memories and stories I didn’t know about. I treasure every new picture someone finds and sends along. I am treasure every time someone reads anything I wrote and tell me they love Mrs. Fawn.

 

I take particular care in everything I write with characters inspired by people I love and if Mrs. Fawn is amazing, it’s because of Mom. There’s as much magic to the character as there is love, whimsicalness, depth, vulnerability, and strength. As a writer, although I know I can get better, I know that I cannot write with more love in certain circumstances and for certain characters. In hindsight, I realize that I wrote Her just outside our existence and swimming in a river of time because I needed that. I’ll always need that because I need writing to make sense of what I live and Mom helps me make sense of what I live. Some readers find out Mrs. Fawn is based on Mom and many say they wish they could have met Her. I reply by saying that in a way, they did.

 

1,827 days might be a bleep in the cosmos or feel like a lifetime. Maybe it’s a little bit of everything and not just one thing. What we feel and how we feel it is up to us though. When someone loses a loved one, I never say, “I know exactly what you’re going through.” I never say it because it might be a nice sentiment, but it’s false. Only you know how you feel and allowing yourself to feel is something I shall always encourage.

 

For Mom, I feel love, joy, melancholy, laughter, sadness, pride, anger, gentleness, strength, vulnerability, confusion, clarity, and everything in between. I feel this and more. I experience this and more. And I allow myself to feel whatever I have to feel. Life is a river. We might pick things up along the way, but forever much we want to get back to where we were, it flows on and ahead there is the sea. So a part of me thinks we’re giving Mom a good lead so she can find us the best places to surf, to dine, to share a glass of wine or its metaphysical equivalent. I think this in part because it gives me peace and in part because it’s possible.

 

What happens next? We don’t know.

 

But what’s happened? That’s our treasure and I’m proud of our crown jewel and all the amazing gems I’ve found along the way. And I’m thankful to you for reading and giving this text a moment of your time, which is the greatest gift of all.

 

Peace, love, and lemon cake