Monday, June 15, 2015

My version of a get well card

So a friend of mine has a friend who almost died. He got leptospirosis which is a disease you get from coming into contact with rat urine, which can happen more commonly than you know. He was at the verge of death and I mean it when I say this, kidney failure, lung failure, affected organs and a very bad prognosis. Someway, somehow he pulled through and is doing a great recovery. That said, my friend in question wanted to get him my book as a get well present and he asked me if I could make a dedication using black humor. I decided against the dedication in the book being made with such humor and wrote it very honestly…. And I also wrote this piece for him because I wanted something written for him and offering my full take on black humor, because why not? I thought some of you might get a kick out of the most random get well note I’ve ever written.



NEWS REPORT: Pissing rat found dead in an alley

The rat in question, Mighty Mick, was last seen alive exiting a local Puerto Rico brewery. Eyewitnesses report that the suspect was indeed under the influence of alcohol, at least 4 types of rat poison amphetamines and a belly full of government cheese.

A local rat snuff film dealer, the latest enterprise in his rodentgraphic empire included a new burgeoning golden shower series that went ratinum in the Adult Rodent industry. Puerto Rico government officials declined to comment on the situation, insisting this was an isolated incident.

The suspect in question was also under investigation for 5 cases of statutory rape and suspected mice pornography.

“I’m happy he’s dead,” said a resident iguana who lives near the scene of the crime who wished to remain nameless. “He was a dirty rat and was always trying to give laced cheese to younglings of all kinds. A rat that gives an even worse name to rats.”

Further investigation yielded information that his line of golden shower rat films had landed him a large publishing deal and the night in question was “all about celebrating what we worked so hard to piss away.”

Investigating reporters questioned local security personnel of the brewery who confessed that “there was a large party of rats mixed with other vermin, drinking and doing drugs.”

Mick, aged 38 months was reported to whip out his “cheese grinder” to make it rain on a batch of local beers that remained soiled. The company in question is being investigated by the authorities and at least 8 sanitary violations have been reported, 4 specifically from the Mick Shower Incident as this crime is being referred to.

Mick was found at the scene of the crime covered in Krazy Glue, with two broken paws and a discharged M80 firework halfway up his rectum. The apparent cause of death was anally ingested smoke intoxication.

Local residents are less than cooperative and only one report indicates the presence of an adult human, mid-thirties, bearded that responds to the name “Rafa”. There were also two additional objects of note at the crime scene: a mint condition edition of Only Human, a work by local author J.D. Estrada and a spray painted message on the wall that reads:

Get well soon.

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