Have you ever trusted blindly in your judgment? Have you ever risked believing in yourself and the path you’ve chosen?
For most of our lives, we careen wildly from one life event to another, busying ourselves enough to not notice the path we’ve chosen and making everything so hectic that we can focus on a moment rather than look around and realize where we are, where we came from and where we’re going.
One of the most important experiences in my life, I had completely alone. I was on a beach and felt a deep longing within me... it wasn’t for someone I missed or for something I hadn’t done. It was something deeper; call it mental, psychological or spiritual, the point is that deep in my gut I had some very important questions I was asking myself. I was actually pretty calm and contemplated my home beach spot from the shore when I decided to walk in one direction, with my eyes closed.
You see, my grandmother was blind due to glaucoma and for as long as I’ve been able to reason; I’ve asked myself what that would be like. At that moment, in a place where there was no one around, I made the decision to try and understand her better. Unlike her, I had the benefit of being able to look in the distance to where I was walking. I thought “this would be easy”...... at the tenth step, I had to open my eyes to make sure everything was in its right place, that I wasn’t going to trip and wasn’t going to stand on a piece of glass.
I opened my eyes... ten steps was nothing. I’d barely made progress although it was clear that I didn’t trust this little experiment. But the thought of my grandmother rang deep in me... she had done brilliantly, she had been elegant and beautiful and even when she passed away, her hands were some of the softest I’d ever held.
I closed my eyes and began walking again... this time I got to 25 steps before I had to open my eyes again. A little more progress, but still, fear showed how present it was in every step I took. That moment, I didn’t feel rage, I didn’t embrace frustration... I let go all of my emotions and closed my eyes. I could feel the breeze caressing my cheeks and my heart saying it was OK to trust in it. I put it in my head that I would count one hundred steps and would not open them, no matter if it meant vaulting off a dead urchin. Something inside begged me to just flow, to give in to life in that moment and give myself the opportunity to see that I can do it.
I took a step, then another... still tentative, though firmly set on not opening my eyes. I felt the hot sun smiling on my eyelids, pulling me on my path. I thought of my grandmother, I thought of my father, I thought of my friends, my family and my mother as well. I smiled with my eyes closed as I mentally told them I could do it. Twenty steps in, I wasn’t even aware of my memories of friends and family... I was fully invested in my steps. Slow and firm, steady yet gentle. My feet didn’t dig into the sand but gently stood on the grains. I let go of so many frustrations and fears that had been bogging me down and just embraced my steps and my place in the world at that moment. At fifty paces, it had become much easier; I wasn’t feeling much further in front of me and was walking calmly and dropping mantles of who I was on a day-to-day basis. I was embracing myself in the moment and I realized that I was just walking; no science, no mystery, no puzzle... just a person who was walking on the beach.
Seventy-five steps in, I was a bit tense that nothing had happened in so many blind steps... I was afraid that my attitude would eventually get me to trip or fall over... except this feeling was fleeting and I knew all I had to do was walk 100 steps... blindly, trusting in myself, in my vision and in my path that I would not falter. At ninety nine steps, you’d think I’d stomp step #100... but there was no desire to stomp, no desire to do a silly little victory dance... I just took my step and opened up my eyes.
The scenery had changed, I looked back at my steps and saw where I’d stumbled when I’d been afraid and then saw the gentle trail of my last 100 steps. They weren’t necessarily straight or perfect... they were however my steps. I’d let go of myself for 100 steps and had trusted blindly be it in luck, in spirits and angels, or maybe even a god... except I hadn’t focused outside of me... those 100 steps had been miles in my heart and they allowed me to be grateful for the path I’d chosen, for the people who’d planted seeds of trust and support and I’d used to get me started in those 100 first steps... and now, I looked behind me and knew I was all alone, and not alone at all.
These posts, these stories I write, they are blind steps I’m taking in my life because something deep in me is asking me to do it with no pretense, no ulterior motive except to connect and to share and I thank everyone who has just shared these steps with me.
There will be more steps, some will be alone, others will be together... some may lead us to share a conversation, some thoughts and some life events, others might keep us apart... all in all, they are all steps, we are all human and every day is an invitation to free our hearts and souls to share freely and trust our inner compass.
Wherever that may lead you, I have only one thing to say....